So, let me tell you, i had a little blip over the past couple of weeks. I bought some scales, which i vowed to myself that i would never buy any and i did i pretty good job of steering clear of them up until one day and one thing that threw me over the edge. A very bad day at work and to top that off, i read one thing on Twitter that grabbed hold of my jealous ED brain, whirled it around and literally took me out of control. Long story short, i couldn't stop myself buying these scales, lets face it, i knew it was going to happen. From finally finding out how much i weighed it struck me why i fell into the eating disorder trap in the first place. From my past history, back in Year 11, when i restricted food like a pro, i lost a fair bit of weight and all i remember was that i felt SO happy about myself. I loved my body image and my weight, it was the one time where i really remember liking my physical self. And over the past months, all i've wanted is to get that positivity from myself, and in my mind that was how i was going to do it again. So here i am, trying again. Its annoying because i know what I'm doing, who doesn't, but i can't stop until i feel that same happiness and relief i felt 4 years ago.
Total change of topic now. Lets flip over to sexuality. I finally told my parents and my brother about me and Claire. It turned out a mixed bag. I was incredibly nervous, literally, the nervous laugh came out and everything. In the end, i was kind of surprised. I had built my barriers up to the max, thinking the complete worse. When all i got was support, especially from my dad and my brother. I was very overwhelmed and relieved about it all, it was emotional to say the least. My mum on the other hand, had a bit more of a harsh reaction, but i know all she needs is time. Time to accept and believe me when i say I'm serious. Come on, its been nearly 3 years since all this started, i think I'm finally serious. But i can only be patient. I felt like free of the weight lying on my shoulders, i didn't have to lie anymore and half of my double life has gone. I do feel happy and the support from my dad and brother has made me really emotional.
I think the moral to my sexuality story is to tell your loved ones when YOU feel comfortable and stable with yourself. You have to be sure because people will doubt you and be in denial, so you have to be strong enough to stick up for yourself and know that you understand your emotions and have truly accepted yourself. At the end of the day, your family will always love you, its your life, they can't decide how the course runs, so in the end they will have no choice to accept you and your choices. Sometimes you have to think about YOU and do things when you are ready. Don't push yourself because if it all goes balls up, the chances are that you will have to be the one to pick yourself up.
As for me and the end of 2012, i have learnt a lot and i still have much more learning to do. I will get back up from my falls and pat my self on the back when i shoot and score.
Thank you to anyone that has supported me, i wish you all the best and will write back in 2013.
Lots of Love, Big Hugs
-Rachel X
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