Weekend from Hell #1

(Taken from my personal journal)

27^th- 2^ndOctober

One line that Conacova said to me keeps on rolling through my brain. 'You are fooling yourself if you think that you are controlling this, because it is controlling you.' I have never ever thought that before. I was always in control, but from this weekend im starting to feel the opposite.

Thursday 27th- I admitted to her about my alcohol use and my endless use of painkillers. I went to Tesco to purchase another bottle of alcohol, due to running low at home. I stood for about 5 minutes starring at all the bottles and eventually talked myself out of buying one. I left feeling anxious, my hands were shaking, my breathing increased and I sat in my car, panicking. To compensate, I bought 5 bags of sweets and a chocolate bar and drove to McDonalds for a planed binge. I had once again tunnel vision. That night I didnt intend to purge my McDonalds up, I felt ok. However the constant police talk cropped up and my parents are just not listening to me. I was fuming and waited until I was in my room to snap. I went straight for the remaining tequila and drank too much in a short space of time. A little later, I threw up due to the tequila, purging followed. The experience was disgusting and has put me off tequila. For now the alcohol has stopped.

Friday 28th- Work and I had panadol in my bag, 6 left and I took 4 within the 10 hour shift. Straight away I knew that because i had stopped the alcohol, the painkillers would instantly slip back into place. I had another McDonalds that night and didnt want to purge, but somehow my brain changed its mind and I found myself there again. This time it hurt. I had actual physical pain in my side and for the first time I felt no satisfaction or relief, no accomplishment. I was upset with myself. I felt really rough that night and vowed to try and stop this cycle. I tried to think about why I felt all the negative emotions. 

Saturday 29^thSeptember

Today I had a chinese and purged. It was the worst feeling I have ever experienced through purging. I eat a lot of curry sauce with my usual chinese and the pain that gave me bringing it up was terrifying. My eyes burned, my nose was on fire. It felt like having CS gas in my eye again. My head felt like it was going to explode. I couldnt breath properly and a vein popped out in my head. The pain was shocking and I had to stop the purge. I couldnt handle it. Again I felt upset and angry at myself. I now feel lost and afraid of what I am going to use as a coping strategy. Its as if my body is warning me about all the danger I am putting myself through, but my brain is telling me that its ok and its not really that bad. I cant stop. I thought I learnt the hard way last night and the night before that, but its still going on. It is controlling me! And im devastated that I let myself think otherwise. I felt like a failure before all this happened, but now I feel like an even bigger one because ive lost control again. I feel fat and ugly. Food isnt the same good stuff that I once enjoyed. I feel uncomfortable eating and eat simply because im so hungry. Purging isnt solely about the food and weight, it represents something. I believe it represents all my stresses, anger and emotion. I purge because I want to rid it all. But im so scared that I will not be able to rid it anymore, because Im not gaining anymore positivity from it.

Im petrified about seeing conacova and telling her about this terrible weekend. I feel like I cant do anything good, like my hard work is pointless because all im ever left with is the bad after math. Im sick of feeling like this. - stressed, miserable, lonely, down, unhappy, disappointed, hurt, frustrated and angry.

I hate myself for getting myself into this mess. Im an absolute idiot.

Sunday 30^thSeptember

After the 3 days of unsuccessful purging, I feel physically and mentally weighed down. I instantly thought it was because I haven't successfully purged, therefore not got rid of all the emotion that is weighing me down. But I know that it is the amount of negative emotion that is continually weighing me down and no amount of purging is ever going to successfully release it all completely. I feel disappointed in the failure of my coping mechanisms.

Self hatred because I let myself fall into this hole and I simply cant get out of it. I hate myself for loosing control of everything and allowing myself to flip from so much self esteem and confidence that I built up over the years to now be left with this.

I have so much anger and frustration about so many things. My home life, my work life, road rage. Im so angry at myself for becoming this monster and for loosing control. OR to be honest, never really having control.

I constantly feel anxious, panic and fear over my future relationship with Claire. I fear failure, I just feel like I cant succeed at anything at the moment and I fear that I will fail time and time again at trying to get better. My most biggest fear at the moment that used to be just anxiety, but has now grown to much scarier and worse things is my coping mechanisms. I fear not being able to cope the way I want to or the way I thought worked best for me.

I am sick and completely tired of feeling weighed down by all of these emotions. I feel like the life is slowly being sucked out of me and all I want is to naturally feel happy again.

I do want to change and I really do want to get better, I cant handle it anymore. But im scared that I cant fix it. 

-Jayne Doe