(Taken from my personal journal)
13th- 27th September
From the last session with Conacova on 13th, I attempted the positive thoughts. This failed as I thought it would and led to a planned binge at Burger King. Im constantly feeling negative about everything and anything. I don’t see any positives and I cant rationalize with myself. The negativity in me is swallowing up all positive thoughts, therefore any attempt at being positive is failing and im getting nowhere.
On Sunday 16thSeptember, I went for a chinese with Claire and I had no intention to purge once I got home, a first. However once I got home, a bomb was dropped, that my granddad had been rushed into hospital and the doctors said he wouldnt make it threw the night. I tried to be strong for my own sake, but went straight for the one place that I knew would bring me help. I purged for a long time,but nothing came up. I promised myself that I wasnt going to leave the bathroom until I felt some satisfaction and accomplishment. Nothing. I turned to the tequila again, but still nothing. That night I felt betrayed by myself, gutted and utterly disappointed. I hated myself for not helping myself. I cried for 2 hours that night, constantly sobbing and whaling about what had happened. I couldnt sleep, knowing that I had to face a gruelling conversation about sexuality and mine and Claire's relationship was killing me. The last thing I wanted to do was talk, however I didnt want to spend anymore time in my morbid house.
From my unsuccessful purge and from the purges throughout the week to follow, I noticed that purging was my main source of releasing all my stored up anger and emotion.
From this week my habits have changed. I rarely binge anymore, just planned. I will purge anything, healthy or not it doesnt matter and now I feel I want to purge rather than just feeling the need. I purged at work and at Claire's without any shame. I feel like its the only thing that I can control in my life at the moment, so when I was unsuccessful, I felt betrayed and hurt that I couldnt control the one thing I thought I could.
Due to using the tequila as a coping mechanism, I have noticed the drop in my paracetamol intake, as something else is controlling my pain.
I have written everything down in my notebook about what is in my brain and red up on Bulimia, but Im still nowhere near accepting what is wrong with me and I cant say it.
Since, my mood has been plain dyer recently, therefore constant negativity, moving nowhere. I have thought about what I need to progress. I need my mood to improve, so then I can move on and be positive and progress with my situation. But i'm scared to death of how I am going to achieve that. I will not go to the GP because the fear out ways all the pain and stress I am putting myself through. There must be another way.
-Jayne Doe
-Jayne Doe
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