20thNovember
I decided to make a video today, putting all my secrets out as a way to 'be' with my problems and deal with them. I was seriously over welmed by the response I got from all my subscribers. I couldnt believe the amount of comments, messages and emails I received. I cried on a number of occasions because they were all so heart felt and kind. Its made me realise the support system that youtube is and I am grateful for each and everyone comment, like and whatever else I received. I think the fact that people felt comfortable in sharing their stories with me really helped as I dont feel alone anymore. Its really nice how we can all help one another.
However, the night wasn't all good. As I was replying to messages, I felt mentally and emotionally drained, everyone was being so nice and understanding to me, saying I was an inspiration, how much respect they had for and that I was brave. I honestly didnt feel it. Yes, I told my story in some kind of format, but in reality I am not doing anything about it, I feel like im getting worse not better and I just couldn't take all the pressure that I felt to be this brave, inspirational person. That night I lay in bed and my brain would not switch off, it was driving me insane and I felt like some sort of mug. I grabbed the scissors from my drawer and started to slice my leg. I stopped when I felt all the pain and emotion had been taken away, I wanted to replace the mental, emotional stress with physical pain and it worked. Every time I look at my leg, I see a messed up girl that cant fix herself. I feel out of control and and cutting myself was the last straw, but im so scared that i've started down another branch of the tree and this vicious cycle will take over me too.
Claire was right to be straight with me and I shouldn't have offered my help to others as i'm not really in a position to give any advice. But I felt like we should all help each other so thats what I did.
I need to sort myself out, but I just dont see any hope and I suppose in order for me to get better, I need to be positive and im just not. I have tried different things to stop me from purging, but they haven't worked so now I feel like a failure. What do I do next? Im an all or nothing girl, so i'm finding small steps incredibly difficult. I have rubbish patience and i'm a stubborn mother f****r.
But the matter of the fact is, i want to get better and thats all that matters.
-Jayne Doe
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