From bad to very very bad...

(Taken from my personal journal)

Wednesday 14^thNovember

So, things have gone from bad to, very very bad. The past weekend has been the worst I have ever had and not in a purging, alcohol or painkiller related way. 

Thursday 8^th, I couldn't sleep, simply because I was worrying about the following day which was to be my grandads funeral. I also read up on Demi Lovato and watched a documentary on how she has battled through Bulimia. I literally had to cry myself to sleep, listening to her songs because of the amount of stuff I could relate to. I found myself agreeing with the majority of things she spoke about, what she thought and felt, which made me realise my problem was real and wasn't about to go away like magic. I have a lot of respect for her now and she is the biggest role model I have ever looked up to.

Waking up with huge, dark bags under my eyes resulting from the wee hours in the morning, I was trying my best to forget about the day ahead. I went to the funeral with a strong head. 'I will not cry' It didnt help that my dad told us to be strong and not be all sad and morbid. Isn't this the one day you are allowed to feel that way? Anyway I wanted to be strong for him, so I tried my best. 

Throughout the funeral I starred at the floor, then the ceiling, I didnt even sing any hyms or say any prayers, simply because of the sheer fear that if I opened my mouth or moved an inch, I would break down. Outside was the worst, I saw my uncles and my brother cry, which hurt me the most and started to set me off. I just wanted to get out of there and flee, so went as far away from all the drama as possible. Really I just didn't want to be involved. I went to my usual place of wanting to be alone and isolated. 

That night, I cried myself to sleep again, looking back on the funeral and remembering all the sad times. I felt so low and actually said to myself. 'it would be so easy for me to overdose right now' At that moment I really didnt want to be on the earth anymore. The thought flashed again and again in my brain and in the end I couldn't bring myself to get the tablets out from my stash. I have never thought anything on that level before. It felt like I had a different person inside of me.

Tuesday was the day I booked to see Conacova again. I ended up taking four tablets just to get myself in the room. I did feel quite zoned out. Now I just feel stupid, but for the moment it helped. 

I came home that day and ate a large mcdonalds, closely followed by a KFC, which I purged on both accounts. I had crisps and chocolate, biscuits, which made me feel like a whale, therefore I exercised to make my mental self feel better. However at the end of my exercise session, I was shattered and sat in the corner on my rug. I felt zoned out again and annoyed at myself for eating all the crap. I got my scissors out from my drawer and tried so desperately to cut my leg. I just thought by feeling some pain, it would counteract and punish my bad eating habit for the day.I just wanted something stronger than my usual real ease habits to enlace all the emotional pain with actual physical pain, and low and behold it worked. Thats another thing I have never done. I starred into the mirror for a good 10 minutes and I cried because I knew that wasn't the real me and I hated the person I was becoming. 

-Jayne Doe.