End of the year

I went into this year with optimism, as 2012 took me by surprise. However, 2013 has been a hell of a struggle and i think i'm just beginning to realise that struggle isn't going to disappear within a year. I accomplished my goal of 'bringing in the new me' This is it. The new me has mental health problems, however has developed within her relationship. I have become a different person this year. I have learnt to notice and understand, process and be with my haunting thoughts and emotions. I have learnt what i can and cant do, what feels uncomfortable and what will get better if i work hard. I have learnt that i crave control. To be in control of myself must be to date my up most inspiring goal. I also crave relief and release, however my methods still need alot of work. I've learnt that i'm not this 'dont give a shit' person i thought i used to be. I care, i worry a hell of alot over all the unnecessary things in life, but i cant help it. Its as if it is just natural to me now. I think my biggest down fall is worrying about what people think of me. I want to be accepted just like anyone else and i cant shrug off not caring anymore. I get scared to hold my girlfriend's hand in crowded places because i'm afraid people are judging me, even though they probably haven't even noticed, its the paranoia controlling me. And thats what i want to put right in 2014. I want to control my feeling of anxiety about judgement and feel comfortable in my own skin. Writing this now, i dont know when i'll ever feel comfortable in my own skin, it feels like a dream. However i'm going to hold out for a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe theres some around the corner for me.

Where am i now?
Coming to the end of 2013 i feel bombarded, suffocated by events occurring and the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in my mind. However, i can recognise the feelings and be with them. I have made progress and instead of batting my problems into the over crowded store room, i am present, in the moment, holding them and i dont want to let them go until i feel safe, content and in control. Yes, all my destructive behaviours are still around. I still do and fear what i did when this first hit me. iI have new fears, worriers and behaviours that do sometimes send me out of control. But i know that now and i dont feel ashamed anymore because i have begun to accept this is the new me now, it is the biggest part of my life, it is controlling me, but i know i can regain control to the standard i want. Its just going to take time and acceptance, which for me is difficult but achievable.
Continuing the journey of self destruction and self rebuild.....
-Rachel
2013

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Failing

Why does the feel of failure feel so gawd damm heavy?
I feel like a black cloud has taken over all of my emotions, my thoughts and my inabitions and just left me blank.
I had an exam today and felt really good going into it. I had revised a lot more and just felt completely comfortable with my memory recollection. Only things turned upside down and i completely blanked. I couldn't recollect any piece of information, even that i only looked at half an hour ago. I continued to keep going, filing through my brain, but in the end i tried and i failed. Trying= Failing after all.
I came away feeling utter disappointment and my self worth crashed. I couldn't give my self a pat on the back or celebrate my fullfillness because i failed. My brain failed me and i'm not used to that, educationally. I suppose i became more accustomed to the fact that my brain is failing me in more ways than just my emotional/mental health state.
I need to try harder in the future to come as now i realise my brain is going to need a bit more work and more elbow grease in order to function to my previous standards. I will not fail in the future. I will not let this feeling of worthlessness en capture me.
-Rachel

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Weight Nightmare

The waking call has commenced, legs aching, mind racing. I had a nightmare thats left me feeling kind of glum. I had put on weight, a lot of it that made me look round and, different. I've woken up thinking 'Is this going to happen?' I'm scared and i want to cry, but at the same time i just want to shake it off and realise it was just a dream and isn't reality.

Recently i have noticed the extra pull of the skin, the softness of the belly and my bouncier looking arms. In the mirror, i see a girl expanding out of her size 6 clothes, which makes me really sad because i feel safe in them. Photographs give my face more shape and to me thats a bad thing. 

Trying to accept that its ok to gain a few pounds is really difficult, it makes me feel unattractive and useless, like theres nothing about me, i'm just a growing little blob. 

I think the hardest thing is acceptance when a person, like me is dealing with something like this, mental health. Accepting that there is a a way, a different way to live life, without the wrong, pointless kind of fears is heart wrenching and really difficult to come to terms with. 

Why would i want to give up my 'safe place'? 

Why should i disobey the voice that tells me from right and wrong?

Why should i put myself in a position that feels like i am fighting a war between me and....me?

Accepting that i'm doing the wrong thing is like stabbing myself in the back. I feel like if i change and go against the voices,  then i will be betraying, myself. I'm confused on which voice is right and which one is wrong, which one is the helpful reflection of my inner peace and which one is just feeding me useless bullshit? 

Right now, as i sit and type i feel empty, emotionless, none existence. A feeling i've come to know quite well. But does that mean what i have done is wrong? Or is this feeling my punishment for doing something right? Its really hard to accept which scenario i think is right, which one i want and hold out for in life because at this moment, i don't know what i want. 

I could flip my nightmare over to show a dream that reveals my content with how i am. Happiness and acceptance for myself. The ability to live my life carefree and peaceful. All i have to do now is hold onto the possibility that things may turn out ok, whatever the outcome and that right now my exaggeration may be a little above parr. 

"Ok, maybe a lot above parr" but thats ok because i can accept that and change it for the better, to not be as scary.

-Rachel 

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Sleeplessly fantasizing

I lie half awake, trying to lull myself to sleep every night, with the same fantasy rolling around over and over again in my mind.
I really wish i didn't fantasise about this, but i feel like its my safest option.
I imagine taking all my pain away, leaving my soul numb and deeply satisfied. To self harm is a beastly extreme, however to some of us its the only way we know and feel how.
How to gain control and feel our own power.
I don't want to hurt those around me, that is the sole reason why i fantasise about what i would do and not actually carry it out. I don't care about me or my body at the moment, all i care about is numbing my pain and satisfying the corrupt and destructive part of my brain. I cant help but imagine the scenario over and over, night after night, the exact same thing. I'm only satisfied once i fall asleep.
I don't know if it is wise or more fitting to let my fantasies become realities, but i do know i don't want that to happen, as i know what the consequences will be. I just wish my brain would give in and hold on to the fact that i'm not going to carry these wishes out.
Please just leave me be,  get out of my imagination and let me dream of unicorns and puppet elephants.
It upsets me that i cant fall asleep without a double dose of co-codamol and the never ending fantasy of self harm.
Every night i self harm, in my head. It that not just as bad as self harming on your skin?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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What to do with a niggle?

I have this issue that keeps on niggling at me and the topic never seems to go away.
My GP wants me to have counselling, which i understand i need to meet them half way and phone up to make an appointment or better still answer their calls.  I make up a phoney excuse every time my GP asks me if i have taken the plunge yet. And its niggling at me so much, i don't know if to keep on with my lame excuses or just tell her the truth.
Telling the truth swamps me with embarrassment and it just makes me feel pathetic that its something i feel so uneasy about doing yet its such a simple task. One situation in which my anxiety is at its all time high is when i have to talk on the phone. I have been like this all my life and i cant seem to get over the simple fear. I find it hard enough answering a phone call never mind making one. This is why i put it off all the time, i just get scared and freak out into a panic. Abort!
I feel stupid that i'm 21 years old and find it so difficult to make a simple 2 minute phone call. When push come to shove, i ask my girlfriend to ring up and pretend to be me, thats how suckish i get. 
But maybe telling my GP the truth will help me out a little, take the niggle away and help her understand why i keep putting the counselling off. At first i just didn't want to talk about my problems, but now i cant talk in order to make an appointment. If i can get around that step, maybe i can push on in a better direction. 
Truth it is then. 

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Who / What am i?

Hello, my name is Rachel and i am a sufferer of,
Bulimia
Self- harm
and
Depression

I am addicted to co-codamol, that i have prescribed to me.
I cant sleep properly
I have no self-worth
and
I have suicidal thoughts.

Yes, i have accepted that i am mentally ill, but i will never play on it or use it as an excuse. I'm not proud but i cant help it. I have to accept its happened and try to accept that there is a way out into peace.
My family and friends know all my secrets, which has been the hardest task ever to reveal and open up about.

But from all this horror comes my most proudest achievement and happiest memory that i will cherish, love and hold on to forever.
I am a Lesbian and have the most beautiful, down to earth, loveable and humorous girlfriend that i could ever wish for. We are soul mates. She is the diamond to my plain silver band. She makes me feel alive and i promise to never do anything to hurt her.
Once you find your person, you would go through all the horror over and over again if it meant being with the one at the end of it.
I accept who i am, now all i can do is make it better, for myself and for her

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Sick of being stuck

I'm just stuck.
Stuck in this awful back and forth place and i just want to get out of it, one way or another.
It has reached the point where i'm beginning to not care which end i come out from.
I want it all to end.
The constant thinking of hurting myself, power and control.
Evaluation of my body, my thoughts and my actions.
The voice that lives inside my brain constantly arguing with me and telling me i'm useless.
I want the good to begin.
Enjoyment of everyday life
Wanting to do new things
Sticking to my decisions and believing that i am doing the right thing.
Stop being such a people pleaser and be my own person.
I really do want all the good to happen, but how do i rid all the bad?
How do i satisfy the evil part of me?
How can i overt turn it and come out on top? Stay there and be strong

I give in too easily for my liking, i don't feel strong or, act it.
Hoping is not enough.
I need help, but i'm constantly scared of asking for it. Giving into my demon and other people is always the easy option. I can never listen to the one person that matters, me.

Someday i will.
I will be optimistic, because the one thing i have learnt is that this will stay with me forever, and going along with it 24/7 will not make it happy or go away. I just need to keep trying and eventually find away to become unstuck.
- Rachel

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