I really wish i didn't fantasise about this, but i feel like its my safest option.
I imagine taking all my pain away, leaving my soul numb and deeply satisfied. To self harm is a beastly extreme, however to some of us its the only way we know and feel how.
How to gain control and feel our own power.
I don't want to hurt those around me, that is the sole reason why i fantasise about what i would do and not actually carry it out. I don't care about me or my body at the moment, all i care about is numbing my pain and satisfying the corrupt and destructive part of my brain. I cant help but imagine the scenario over and over, night after night, the exact same thing. I'm only satisfied once i fall asleep.
I don't know if it is wise or more fitting to let my fantasies become realities, but i do know i don't want that to happen, as i know what the consequences will be. I just wish my brain would give in and hold on to the fact that i'm not going to carry these wishes out.
Please just leave me be, get out of my imagination and let me dream of unicorns and puppet elephants.
It upsets me that i cant fall asleep without a double dose of co-codamol and the never ending fantasy of self harm.
Every night i self harm, in my head. It that not just as bad as self harming on your skin?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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