Mini Meltdown...

(Taken from my personal journal)

Monday 5^thNovember

Im having a mini meltdown. I hate my life.

Everything was going ok, it was as if I was handling things, in different aspects, slowly. I was on the rope bridge. Then Tuesday came, grandad died. Insted of being sad, crying and just generally upset, I filmed a video, a fucking youtube video, who does that? The day after I went shopping, like what the hell? The day after that I made a 2^ndyoutube channel, seriously? It was as if I went on a high and everything was better than alright. 

After the weekend, (date it is at the top) its like everything has come crashing down and gone below fine. I feel like I have no control over any aspect of my life, even my double life. Mum gave me the usual talk about boys and how mine and claire's paths will separate once we find a guy and get married and have kids. Its like 'no I want to have that with claire, not a pissing guy' I seriously could have told her today, but I know the reaction and the arguments, trying to get her to understand, it would just cause so much more hassle than what im in now.

Then theres policing, I 'went policing yesterday' Did I balls, that was a massive lie and I cant believe i did it. I feel so bad for lieing like that, its all just going out of control. 

I feel like I cant have the relationship I want, I cant have the career choices I want and I cant stand food anymore. Food is nothing to me these days, its a comfort factor, just so I can literally say to myself that I have eaten something, fill the hunger, but then go and purge it out straight after. My stash has trippled in my room, I now have a full draw full of chocolate, sweet, crisps and more shit. Im so low on energy these days, pro plus has come back into my life. 

I know the whole eating and loosing weight has gotten to me because my mum told me about a close family friend that has lost 'loads of weight, her clothes are hanging off her' and all I could think about was I have to be thinner, it mad me feel fat and it really angered me. 

I watched one of my old videos from june this year and the first thing I noticed was the size of my arms, they were fat. Thats what came out of my mouth, a couple of months ago I would never had noticed that, but that was the first thing I saw. 

I think about food and weight and body image 24/7 of the pissing day. One of my fears was that I was so scared of going up a jean size, so I thought if I could drop a jean size, the fear would go away or be reduced at the least. Now im a size 6 and petrified of the day when Ill be too fat to fit into that size and have to buy a size 8. Its not gone away, its just a stupid cycle.

I haven't seen Conacova in a month, last time I saw her I was 'on the bridge', ive tried to take her advice and push on through any bad times, I have. There has been a few low points and i pushed through them, but I dont know how to go any further. 

I hate life. I feel like ive fallen through the rope bridge.

-Jayne Doe.