Light Bulb Moment..

(Taken from my  personal journal)

Saturday 13^thOctober

I have been collecting my thoughts a bit more recently, trying to link why I do and feel the things, together.

I feel like over the past 2 weeks, food has taken over all my thought processes and has constantly been the topic that crops up in every emotion, therefore all my emotions. 

I have been looking into my bingeing habits, as before I didn't think they existed and I ignored what I was doing. But through realizing and understanding the situations that bring out my anxiety to its highest point, I have noticed a binge pattern appearing.

First, my anxiety. 

I have always felt extra 'nervous', panic, feeling sick etc in different situations, but I always thought it was normal. Over the years I built up the exterior to man up and brush these feelings aside, never really facing them head on and working through them. I just didnt understand.

However after reading material on anxiety, it clarified everything and normalized my feelings. It was scary, as it made everything real to me and I still haven't read all the material as I am scared to accept the reality of it. But from that, I have become more aware of my anxiety feelings, thus been able to recognise the situations it which it arose most often. The main one being with food.

I have noticed that in the situations when I a) buy food, either to eat straight away or at a supermarket and b) eating food when I dont want to or feel under pressure/forced to leads to me feeling panic, hands shake, breathless, heart beats faster, feel sick and want to run away from the situation. This has happened repeatedly over the last 2 weeks and I have noticed it, but cant manage to do anything about it or calm my self down. From this, I have noticed that a binge usually follows. This has happened 3 times in the past 2 weeks.

Purging

I still dont want to purge, but once I have the urge and the thought/feeling to purge is in my head, I cannot get rid of it unless I satisfy it. I feel like I have to purge to either rid the uncomfortable feeling and also to rid or reduce the calories that I have just consumed. For the past 2 weeks, I remain still without any positivity, satisfaction etc, apart from after I have binged, as by purging it feels like I have un done the wrong doings of the binge eating.

A few hours later...

I have had a light bulb moment.!

It seems so obvious, but I just couldnt see it.

The reason I am purging now is either to rid and counteract my binge or reduce and fix my anxiety. So if I eliminate the anxiety and the binging, then the purging should stop, as it no longer gives me positivity. The positivity stopped when I realized that I wasnt controlling the situation, which I thought I was.

All I have to do now is figure out how to reduce my anxiety over the certain situations, mainly being with food and reduce my fear of weight gain, so that I wont have the urge to purge up the calories.

Did this work out?

-Jayne Doe