Sick of being stuck

I'm just stuck.
Stuck in this awful back and forth place and i just want to get out of it, one way or another.
It has reached the point where i'm beginning to not care which end i come out from.
I want it all to end.
The constant thinking of hurting myself, power and control.
Evaluation of my body, my thoughts and my actions.
The voice that lives inside my brain constantly arguing with me and telling me i'm useless.
I want the good to begin.
Enjoyment of everyday life
Wanting to do new things
Sticking to my decisions and believing that i am doing the right thing.
Stop being such a people pleaser and be my own person.
I really do want all the good to happen, but how do i rid all the bad?
How do i satisfy the evil part of me?
How can i overt turn it and come out on top? Stay there and be strong

I give in too easily for my liking, i don't feel strong or, act it.
Hoping is not enough.
I need help, but i'm constantly scared of asking for it. Giving into my demon and other people is always the easy option. I can never listen to the one person that matters, me.

Someday i will.
I will be optimistic, because the one thing i have learnt is that this will stay with me forever, and going along with it 24/7 will not make it happy or go away. I just need to keep trying and eventually find away to become unstuck.
- Rachel