Weight Nightmare

The waking call has commenced, legs aching, mind racing. I had a nightmare thats left me feeling kind of glum. I had put on weight, a lot of it that made me look round and, different. I've woken up thinking 'Is this going to happen?' I'm scared and i want to cry, but at the same time i just want to shake it off and realise it was just a dream and isn't reality.

Recently i have noticed the extra pull of the skin, the softness of the belly and my bouncier looking arms. In the mirror, i see a girl expanding out of her size 6 clothes, which makes me really sad because i feel safe in them. Photographs give my face more shape and to me thats a bad thing. 

Trying to accept that its ok to gain a few pounds is really difficult, it makes me feel unattractive and useless, like theres nothing about me, i'm just a growing little blob. 

I think the hardest thing is acceptance when a person, like me is dealing with something like this, mental health. Accepting that there is a a way, a different way to live life, without the wrong, pointless kind of fears is heart wrenching and really difficult to come to terms with. 

Why would i want to give up my 'safe place'? 

Why should i disobey the voice that tells me from right and wrong?

Why should i put myself in a position that feels like i am fighting a war between me and....me?

Accepting that i'm doing the wrong thing is like stabbing myself in the back. I feel like if i change and go against the voices,  then i will be betraying, myself. I'm confused on which voice is right and which one is wrong, which one is the helpful reflection of my inner peace and which one is just feeding me useless bullshit? 

Right now, as i sit and type i feel empty, emotionless, none existence. A feeling i've come to know quite well. But does that mean what i have done is wrong? Or is this feeling my punishment for doing something right? Its really hard to accept which scenario i think is right, which one i want and hold out for in life because at this moment, i don't know what i want. 

I could flip my nightmare over to show a dream that reveals my content with how i am. Happiness and acceptance for myself. The ability to live my life carefree and peaceful. All i have to do now is hold onto the possibility that things may turn out ok, whatever the outcome and that right now my exaggeration may be a little above parr. 

"Ok, maybe a lot above parr" but thats ok because i can accept that and change it for the better, to not be as scary.

-Rachel