End of the year

I went into this year with optimism, as 2012 took me by surprise. However, 2013 has been a hell of a struggle and i think i'm just beginning to realise that struggle isn't going to disappear within a year. I accomplished my goal of 'bringing in the new me' This is it. The new me has mental health problems, however has developed within her relationship. I have become a different person this year. I have learnt to notice and understand, process and be with my haunting thoughts and emotions. I have learnt what i can and cant do, what feels uncomfortable and what will get better if i work hard. I have learnt that i crave control. To be in control of myself must be to date my up most inspiring goal. I also crave relief and release, however my methods still need alot of work. I've learnt that i'm not this 'dont give a shit' person i thought i used to be. I care, i worry a hell of alot over all the unnecessary things in life, but i cant help it. Its as if it is just natural to me now. I think my biggest down fall is worrying about what people think of me. I want to be accepted just like anyone else and i cant shrug off not caring anymore. I get scared to hold my girlfriend's hand in crowded places because i'm afraid people are judging me, even though they probably haven't even noticed, its the paranoia controlling me. And thats what i want to put right in 2014. I want to control my feeling of anxiety about judgement and feel comfortable in my own skin. Writing this now, i dont know when i'll ever feel comfortable in my own skin, it feels like a dream. However i'm going to hold out for a little glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe theres some around the corner for me.

Where am i now?
Coming to the end of 2013 i feel bombarded, suffocated by events occurring and the whirlwind of thoughts and emotions in my mind. However, i can recognise the feelings and be with them. I have made progress and instead of batting my problems into the over crowded store room, i am present, in the moment, holding them and i dont want to let them go until i feel safe, content and in control. Yes, all my destructive behaviours are still around. I still do and fear what i did when this first hit me. iI have new fears, worriers and behaviours that do sometimes send me out of control. But i know that now and i dont feel ashamed anymore because i have begun to accept this is the new me now, it is the biggest part of my life, it is controlling me, but i know i can regain control to the standard i want. Its just going to take time and acceptance, which for me is difficult but achievable.
Continuing the journey of self destruction and self rebuild.....
-Rachel
2013