A Binge, Purge & a Freak out...

(Taken from my personal journal)

Wednesday 28^thNovember

Im getting too good at this double life crap. 

Tonight, full house and I managed a binge, purge and a freak out without anyone noticing a thing, seriously?

For dinner I ate pasta, which half stayed in me half wasn't as successful.

The past couple of days I have been experiencing pains around my ribs ad my hips, just when pressure is applied, for instance when im lieing on my front in bed. It just hurts.

So, around 20.00 the usual peckish time, I used the pain as a good reason to have a snack. To me, i'm adding calories into my body to add more fat, which should help cushion the pain. And I know that doesn't happen like magic, but in my ED mind, it does and thats what was happening at the time.

I ate a bowl of sugared cereal, my favourite, lion bar cereal. Still hungry I thought i'll go get the rest of the salad I bought yesterday and finish that off. 

Only to find someone had eaten it. I freaked out! 

I had tunnel vision for that salad and for me to soley eat that food. I felt anger and was hurt that somebody else had taken my food, then the usual, over powering strength of feeling of lost/disoriented swept in. I felt confused and adrift. It was like I couldn't consciously rationalize with myself that it was only salad. To me, in that moment it was a big deal. 

Tracing around the kitchen, feeling frightened because I didnt know what to do, I dove straight back into the cereal, bowl after bowl, sneaking the last one upstairs, placing it on my dresser before I ate it. I paniced as I became to feel the power of my conscious self gaining control, so before I could eat the cereal, I ran back down stairs and threw it away in that stupid little brown bin. It had gone. However as I ran back to my room, I went straight for my 'stash' drawer and out came the terry's chocolate orange. I honestly dont know how many I have consumed recently. To my surprise I only had one segment, sitting on my bed, I gripped the sheets with so much anger, trying to let out the frustration and the drive that was telling me to eat the whole chocolate orange. But I fought against it, so hard. I felt drained, like the sheer anger was exhausting me of all my energy. I was feeling defeated, until my mum came in my room. 

Seriously, just like that I shot up and tried to regain some what normality. Luckily the lights were off so she couldn't see my face. Im grateful she walked in at that moment because it was the distraction I needed. All my thoughts of indulgent had disappeared and I eventually calmed down.

One of my goals in therapy is to recognize and be with my emotions. Im terrible at it. After a lifetime of holding everything in and never expressing and dealing with MY emotions, they are just buried so deep down. I really have a hard time bringing them to the surface. So by writing them down the best way I can, should be one step further for me. 

And that was tonights struggle story.

-Jayne Doe