Jeans...

(Taken from my personal journal)

6^th- 13^thSeptember

Still feeling like I had to purge, not just for the positive release but now to help prevent weight gain. I became more body conscious and I realized this when I purposely bought a pair of size 6 jeans, to give my self the incentive and drive to be able to fit into them. I found myself starring long and hard at my body in the mirror, pulling the fat and flabby bits that I hated. I constantly feel disgusting and just want all the access weight to go.

After seeing conacova on the 6^th, I got more in touch with my feelings and wrote them down. How I felt before and after a binge, after a purge and once I had relaxed. This made me understand my routine more, I just had to figure out why I felt these feelings.

In my head I know what I am doing to myself, what is wrong with me. But im still not accepting it, saying it out loud or doing anything to stop it. I cant bring myself to accept whats going on. To me everything will be ok.

My mood is still numb with no emotion, however I have had the odd good day, which was with Claire. She is the only positive in my life at the moment.

I went policing this week and hated it. Told my colleague about wanting to leave and again told my mum and dad that I didn't want to do it anymore. They were not listening as usual. I have to text my SGT and sort this out.

-Jayne Doe