What rescues me...

(Taken from my personal journal)
21st August- 6^thSeptember

I purged for a positive release only. I was so scared of eating anything incase I felt the urge and need to purge. This always happened. I felt guilty about eating 3 white chocolate mice and purged until I got them out of my system. I restricted my food, creating a dramatic fall in what I ate simply because of my fear to hurt myself and purge. However, I felt so angry at myself for eating that at times when the fingers weren't enough, I used tequila as a trigger to make me sick and to calm me down, make me feel content instead of anxious and worked up, guilty and ashamed.

I thought nothing was wrong with me, I denied everything. I didnt think I was depressed, even though Conacova said it was likely that I am.

Each day I felt the same, numb and empty, miserable and scared. I lay in my bed all day everyday, watching TV and sleeping. I didnt shower for a whole week.

I havent cried for so long. On 22^nd (Wednesday) I cried for about 20 seconds. I freaked out, paniced and broke down because I couldnt find any pro plus. All I wanted was some energy and tablets are the only way I know how. I searched everywhere for some and wasn't successful. After my cry, I felt like an idiot, pathetic but I really wanted them. I turned to my everlong deepest desire that is paracetamol. They rescued me and once again calmed me down and made me relax.

-Jayne Doe