4 years on...
Home alone, watching telly in the living room and the dogs wouldn't settle. Ruby was driving me insane. I shouted, stroked and tried to sit down with her. I put her on the couch but she wouldnt settle. She bites and kicks and walks all over me and it was getting too much. I screamed and shouted and freaked out, standing crying in the middle of the living room. Raged I threw her into the kitchen and tried to calm myself down. I was hungry, im always hungry and I had food on my mind. Food has always been my comfort. I made a large tuna mayonnaise sandwich and devoured in under 2 minutes. I felt full and uncomfortable and disgusted in myself. For the first time ever, I took the plunge that I never thought I would have the guts to do and I stuck my fingers down my throat and waited until all of the sandwich was visible in the bowl infront of me. The feeling of purging didnt bother me, it wasnt painful or unpleasant. I felt relief and satisfaction. Like a weight had been lifted. I felt content with my action and I didnt regret it.
But I knew I shouldnt of done it, I knew I was falling down a wrong path and I knew I should get help because I was scared that it wouldnt be a one off.
That night I felt emotionally ill. I lay in bed starring at the ceiling and the walls at nothing. I felt empty and numb and just down right miserable. I didnt want to do anything. My actions were playing on my mind and I was scared that if I ate something, I would purge again to feel that satisfaction and comfort. It took my around an hour to send a text to Conacova*. I wrote a sentence then starred at the wall for 15 minutes, zoning in and out of thought. This continued until I finished the text, but I still couldnt send it. Another 10 minutes after I finally pressed send and waited, anxiously and nervous about what I would receive back. I think I was more scared of the process that was to come.
-Jayne Doe
-Jayne Doe
(*Therapist i was seeing for a previous different matter)
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